Thank you to everyone who braved the weather and came out to the album release party for Vanishing Point at Visible Records on January 19.
It was an incredible night of music and art and I was so honored to be a part of it. I performed one piece solo to start the night. And then one piece with the band in the second set.
Here’s some snapshots:
A snippet of me performing Def Leppard 84 - with John Dearth (trumpet), M. Brett Jones (guitar), M. Montserrat Oliva (bass clarinet), Daniel Richardson (drums), Jono Stewart (bass).
Listen to Vanishing Point here
If you missed last week's mixtape listen
to it on the green listening service here
Or on youtube here
On a much different note, last week was the anniversary of an occasion that I’ve never been able to find the words to be able to write about here on substack yet.
In January of 2017 I decided that I was maybe going to kill myself. They say you have to tell someone, so I told my sister, who pleaded with me not to. I had plans to go back to Texas in March for SXSW. And then to West Texas with my besties in April. I told my sister I’d at least postpone my final decision until I took that trip. The two months leading up to it were difficult, but I kept my promise.
On vacation I hiked to the top of a mountain, the first time I’d ever done something like that. Standing there, I felt as high as I’ve ever felt in my life, and I was 100& sober. I stayed feeling like that for 12 more hours. Walking down the mountain I realized for the very first time in my life that my brain did not always have my best interests at heart, and that I could no longer trust it. I started a lifelong journey that day of trying to figure out how to control my brain - instead of allowing it to control me. Walking down that mountain is the first time I started actively fighting my brain. It’s the first time I started winning.
I will forever be grateful for taking that one more vacation.
My sister, in trying to persuade me not to, begged me to think about what it would do to my nephews. I was in such a dark place that I couldn’t even hear her. I think about that sometimes now -how close my brain came to making be believe that it wouldn’t matter how much it would affect them. I get physically nauseous when I think about it.
I never danced at a concert until the year after I came down from the mountain. Not once, in my whole entire life. (I was raised Mennonite, where dancing was forbidden. But it wasn’t just that. I had a mental block against it. I dance ALL THE TIME now).
I had never listened to jazz music, or The Grateful Dead.
I had never known what Parliament Funkadelic meant.
I had never heard of Mary Oliver, or Richard Brautigan, or Adventure Time. I’d never read One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.
I had never eaten a tomato sandwich.
I had never known I was a cat person.
I’d never seen a hummingbird in real life.
I’d have never known what it was like to be in an actual healthy relationship.
I would have never figured out how to properly grieve.
I would have never got to sit with my grandma for three days in the hospital before she died. I would have never gotten to tell her “I love you,” because that wasn’t something we ever said to each other. We didn’t need to. We always just knew it. But I told her anyway, when it was just me and her. Because it had always been true and I wanted her to know it.
If I had killed myself, I would have never given myself a chance to discover all these other things. All these things that are such a part of me now. I would have never given myself a chance to ever become the real me. I would have never figured out the secret.
So many of the best and most important moments of my life have come since I decided to stay alive. So many of my best moments I would have missed out on.
I am having a harder time this winter than I have in years due to way more cold temperatures and way more fascists than normal. But it is nothing like the state of mind I was in 8 years ago.
If you are struggling, please reach out to someone.
If you are in crisis please call or text 988.
I’m glad you’re here.
Please stay strong.
Thank you for sharing this. You have no idea how many people this may help. I'm glad you fought against your brain and decided to stay with us.
I'm so glad you stayed. ❤️